New Year’s Resolutions — I think everybody has them even if they don’t admit it. Many of them involve diets and gym memberships.

new-year-funny-resolution-2015

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After much careful thought, I have compiled a list of goals I would really like to achieve in 2016. I believe most of them are doable with little or no deprivation. Have a read and copy any of them that appeal to you. Enjoy!

1. Try on my swimsuit before I leave for Cuba, not when I get there only to find out it does not fit.

2. Spend every morning having coffee with friends. Time spent with friends is never wasted.

illustration of a coffee shop on a white background

3. Refuse to participate in anything, just to be polite. After all, I’m almost 6o for Pete’s sake.

4. Memorize that church starts at 10 a.m. – not 10:30 nor 11:00 a.m.

5. Stock up on enough toilet paper for the whole year. (Now that I think of it, we would need to put an extension on our house to accommodate at least 365 rolls.)

6. Stick to lactose-free dairy products. (Or be prepared to put a double extension on the house.)

7. Be polite to telemarketers. After all, they have children to feed and rent to pay.

8. Send real birthday cards to my relatives.

9. Never, ever, ever utter the word “asinine”, because I feel like bashing someone in the head every time I hear it.

10. Honour the ancient tradition of eating three big meals a day.

11. Improve on my present three-day laundry procedure:

Day 1: Put it in the washer. Day 2: Put it in the dryer. Day 3: Pull it out of the dryer and pile it on top of the dryer or on the floor.

12. Buy an ironing board so I can press my linen napkins for Thanksgiving and Christmas each year. On second thought, it would be simpler to send them to the cleaners twice a year.

13. Keep a running list of funny experiences for those days when everything seems to go wrong.

14. Defend those, including me, who cope with mental illness every day.

15. Always “check for paper” stuck to my shoe or some other place when leaving the restroom. As well, check for toilet paper in public wash rooms BEFORE I sit down.

16. Incorporate interesting words such as , peccadillo, rigmarole, malarkey, carbuncle, cahoots,
, flibbertigibbet, flummox and la-di-dah into every day conversations.

17. Get a restraining order against my enemy, JAVEX BLEACH. It must stay at least one house away from me at all times.


18. Try each flavour of Kawartha Dairy ice cream at least once.

19. Commit to buying three outfits — one to wear today, one to wear tomorrow and one in the laundry that won’t be available for at least three days. (See number 11.)

20. Unleash the angel in me by dishing out random compliments generously.

21. Replace the gas nozzle before driving away from the pump.

22. Eat more nutrient and fibre rich oatmeal. (It is only a wonder food if it is covered with brown sugar and cream.)

24. Host a party in June when Glenn receives his first CPP cheque.

25. Nag everybody I know to buy a copy of my book “LifeMatters.”

To purchase a copy of my book,
“LIFE MATTERS: 20 Mostly True Stories to Put a Smile on Your Face”
as well as bookmarks, note cards and postcards,
please visit my store:

Memories of Nova Scotia